When You Can’t Breathe

I haven’t written about yoga or meditation in a long time, not since before I shutdown my old yoga website and moved it over to claradmunro.com. To start things off, I haven’t been doing a lot of yoga or meditation lately. For whatever reason, I just can’t seem to get down onto my mat. This weekend, I had been hoping to start up my practice again and of course, I got sick. Not the kind of sick where you toss your cookies, no, the head cold kind of sick where your throat burns like it’s being stabbed with a thousand knives. Then your system clogs right up and then you can’t breathe.

When you can’t breathe, you get light headed because your brain isn’t getting the oxygen it needs to sustain itself. For someone who is a deep breather like myself, I find that I can barely concentrate when I can’t breathe properly. Point of fact, I can’t do much of anything when I can’t breathe properly. This is why I would rather death with a flu than a head cold any day of the week.

So, instead of taking some time to work on my yoga and meditation practice this weekend, I started doing some research and inspiration seeking. I found a website called Annapurna Living – which is partially run by the Kundalini practitioner, Carrie-Anne Moss (you might remember her from such epic films like The Matrix). BC born, Burnaby home-girl, Carrie-Anne Moss created Annapurna Living as a way for her to share her Kundalini teachings and help other mothers bring balance back into their personal lives and families.

I come from a Kripalu background, which is a Tantric/Kundalini tradition but not labeled exclusively Kundalini. Kripalu and Kundalini are both what are called “House holder” traditions and have been modified for our current age to allow these ancient practices to be accessible to everyone. The basics of yoga and meditation are not hard to do and with a little shifting in mindset I should be able to incorporate them into my daily lifestyle. I learned how to do this during my yoga teacher training but I didn’t put it into daily practice.

I made a pretty big mistake when I was doing my yoga teacher training, I got into a relationship with another person. That relationship moved way too fast, way too soon. All the while, I was doing the deeply personal work during my training and I barely had enough space for myself, let alone take on someone else’s work. I didn’t know how to handle myself and thus, I couldn’t handle his stuff too. The truth of the matter is, I wasn’t ready to be the supporting kind of person my partner needed me to be and he wasn’t ready to be the supportive person I needed him to be. I can admit now that the whole relationship was just wrong and it brought back into focus how much I don’t know how to deal with personal relationships in long term and how much work I need to do on myself.

To come back to Annapurna Living for a moment, I have been watching some of the back videos on their YouTube page and there was a video on Having Empathy for Those Who Hurt Us.

I wish that I had watched this video a year or two ago when things were starting to boil up for me in regards to feeling like I was being taken advantage of during my relationship. Not that I think my relationship would have ended up in any other way other than the way it did because we just were not meant to be together. After the relationship ended, so the did the friendship. He doesn’t talk to me anymore and I haven’t made the effort to speak to him. I kept my distance from him because I didn’t want to continue the behavior of care-taking that I had been doing during our time together.

What I have taken from that learning experience, I have brought forward into my living arrangements with my roommate. I have stopped expecting anything of her. I take care of place I live in because I want to, not because I expect her to do the same kind of work that I do. She is not me and I can’t hold her to my level of expectations for myself. We have reached a balance in our living relationship as a result of that switch in my mindset. I like that place we are in right now and I want to continue to live there. I also want our place to be clean and open for visitors. With three hairy pets, I know that means cleaning the floors and furniture a little more often than once a month or even once a day.

Checking my expectations at the door when I enter into any conversation or interaction with other people is challenging. Even checking expectations of myself is hard enough. Learning that expectations are just another way we cause ourselves suffering has been a brutal lesson and my ego certainly hasn’t enjoyed learning it. Yoga isn’t just about the physical practice of the asana, it’s about bringing the principles into your everyday life that you can breathe with ease. Letting go of attachments to things like expectations is part of my everyday yoga practice. Go figure that it was a case of not being able to breathe due to illness that brought me the realization I needed to more forward with other aspects of my life.

~Clara

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